The Persuasive Power of Silence
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In this article on influence and conversational hypnosis, you’re going to learn about the stunning power of silence. In many situations silence is probably the most powerful persuasion tool. I discovered this decades ago through all my business dealings, whilst traveling and throughout life.
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This is especially true in business negotiations, when coming to an impasse I would simply remain quiet. Although each situation is unique, one overriding truth is that both parties are there for a successful conclusion and generally do not wish to upset the proceedings and walk away with nothing.
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Silence puts you in a position of strength, a position of power. By staying silent and maintaining confident yet not menacing eye contact, it shows that you’re in control of your reactions, you’re in control of your emotions and you’re in control of the situation.
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Mark Twain said, “It is better to let others think you a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” And yes, in many situations speaking too much can be far more harmful than speaking too little.
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Often, and this is a goal of mine, I try and put myself in as many social situations with people who are far more experienced than I am in a particular field I want to learn about, far smarter than I am in a particular field that I’m entering. Fields like marketing or anything else new that I’m going into in order improve my business and the way that I communicate and teach for you guys. In those situations, rather than trying to talk your mouth off as much as possible and prove that you know as much as them and have the right to sit at that table, it’s often very powerful just to maintain a dignified silence, ask appropriate questions, make the comments that occur to you but make your goal less speech, rather than more speech.
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Try this in the next conversation that you have. Say as little as possible and get them to do nearly all the talking.
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You see, the nuances of silence can be quite tricky. Because if you’re silent in a conversational setting where you’re trying to influence somebody to change a belief, take a certain course of action, make a certain deal or whatever it is that you’re aiming for, often silence is the worst thing to do. You do need to say things, you do need to stimulate emotions, and get your point across, obviously. However, in some situations, hold thy tongue. It is a powerful attitude. And the reason I’m spending this lesson filled with noise about getting you to be silent is because the attitude that silence is a negotiation tool, rather than lack of something, is a powerful one.
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If you ever have to make a public speech, try this, and it’s something that I do all the time, because I do a lot of public speaking, enough that I have to share the stage with other people. And most good speakers, not great but good speakers, will bound onstage energetically and immediately begin talking. That’s good. It’s energetic; it gets the audience’s attention, nothing wrong with that.
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Most bad speakers will shuffle onstage and also begin talking immediately but less energetically and in a more withdrawn way.
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A very powerful way to immediately capture the audience’s attention which, if you will think back to our pattern interrupt lesson, also works as a powerful pattern interrupt, is to walk on stage calmly and slowly. Look around at the audience and just maintain your silence.
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The key is, silence is uncomfortable in western culture.
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You’ll notice that in conversations at dinner parties and group conversations. Whenever there’s a silence that goes on for more than about three or four seconds, somebody will always try and break it.
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Become aware of this. Think about the last group conversation you were in or even a one on one conversation. Notice that somebody will always jump in and fill the silence. It’s actually a well-documented phenomenon, particularly among English speaking people. We cannot deal with silence. It’s awkward, it’s uncomfortable and for us, it implies that we don’t have anything to say to eachother.
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However, if you think back to spending time with someone you love, perhaps your husband or your wife, your family, you’ll think or notice or realize that silence is actually part of your relationship. You can be silent in eachother’s presence without it being hostile or uncomfortable. And have you ever wondered that perhaps one of the reasons why going to see a show or a movie with a date or with a partner is so powerful is because it creates a safe context in which you can be silent in eachother’s presence? Isn’t that interesting? It creates a safe context in which you can be silent in eachother’s presence. Silence is particularly powerful.
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Now, going back to the example of walking on stage and holding your silence, just hold it until it becomes uncomfortable. You’re sending a lot of powerful messages. You’re saying you’re in control of yourself and your responses and, this is the big one, that you can handle the silence. That you’re so completely comfortable and justified and assured in your own presence that you do not need to speak to justify yourself being there.
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Maintain the silence only until it becomes uncomfortable and then wait just one more second before talking. Staying silent forever obviously isn’t going to do you any good but using silence as an effective influence tool can be exceedingly powerful.
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Another thing about silence is that when you’re not speaking, your body language becomes so much more important. Now, books and books and books have been written on body language. Telling you this gesture means that, that gesture means this, crossing the arms means defensive, scratching the nose means lying, open posture means confident, this, that or the other. I’d like to break it down for you just a little bit more in terms of how body language compliments silence. Think about this from the perspective of human evolution. In terms of very, very basic fundamental mammalian human interactions, body language is about how we present our body, obviously, to the people around us. But think about it because body language, the term, has become such a nominalization; think about it in terms of how we present our body to the people around us.
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Now, this is why things like crossing your arms, putting your hand on your face, scratching your nose, are often thought of as signs of deceptiveness or defensiveness because they’re covering up the crucial areas of the body, the soft areas, the stomach, the neck, the mouth, the nose. Whereas if you’re confident, you can open up those areas. You can stand tall exposing the vulnerable areas of the neck and the stomach. You have confidence in what you’re saying if you’re speaking. So you don’t have to put your hand over your mouth and cover up your words as if you’re retracting them or to scratch your nose as if you were trying to keep the words inside your mouth.
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Rather than teaching you this gesture means this, that gesture means that, I think it’s far more powerful for you to come to an understanding of the language of the body and what you’re physically saying to people as if you’re carrying out a mime, you’re trying to keep the words inside, you’re trying to protect this part of your body. You’re trying to move something forward or backwards, make it bigger, or smaller, your body language is constantly speaking.
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And when you’re not speaking, when you’re silent, the way you hold yourself becomes more and more important. If you’re silent with an offensive posture, with your arms folded and such like, maybe your hand over your mouth, it can make you seem quite withdrawn, quite defensive. However, if you’re silent with a curious posture, open but cognitive, hand perhaps on the face to indicate thinking, but open with your stomach and neck while exposed, perhaps raised eyebrows to indicate curiosity, and firm yet calm and reassuring eye contact with the people you’re speaking to, silent yet curious, it’s encouraging them to keep speaking. It puts the ball in their court and the pressure on them.
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This is why silence is so powerful as a negotiating position and this is obviously what I discovered on my travels. Most people expect when you make a demand of them for you to do all the talking. But if you simply make your demand and then confidently and kindly, not menacingly but kindly, yet confidently, put the pressure on them and expect them to continue speaking, holding calm and reassuring eye contact with a slight warm, yet not smug, smile, it puts the ball in their court and the pressure on them. And chances are most people will not be equipped to deal with that pressure and after trying to break your frame, after trying to get you to start speaking, to start justifying yourself and to take the pressure on yourself, they’ll eventually do what you want them to do.
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Now obviously, this is a situation only used for sort of special circumstances. Only when you sort of have the upper hand or you’re making a demand in a short term setting, like in a business negotiation or a sale or a transaction or such like. I wouldn’t run around using it every day of your life because that’s just a little manipulative and it will get a little annoying as well.
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All these tools should be used a limited amount, with limited power. It’s like if you learn a really powerful quote. Use it once in one conversation or in one speech and it will blow people away, act as an instant re-frame, change the way people think about what you’re going on about and really orientate the discussion towards where you want to take it. Use it every day, eight times a day, and it will just get annoying like a broken record.
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Use all of these tools well and use them reservedly. Recognize their power and obviously only use them responsibly and positively.
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So get out there and start playing with silence, openly. Just hold silence. Not until it becomes annoying, but just before then, show people that you control the frame. That you’re comfortable with putting the pressure on them, that you can handle the silence, that you’re in control of your reactions and you don’t feel the pressure to constantly justify yourself by speaking. There’s strong silence and there’s shy silence and there’s silent silence. You want to focus on strong silence to build suspense, to build mystery, to build curiosity and to put the pressure on the other people. It’s powerful stuff. Get out there and use this well.
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